Tag: relationships

Risk vs Reward – Being Known by and Knowing Others.

If you follow my writing within this blog, you have probably noticed that I have not written in a bit. It’s not necessarily that I haven’t had anything to say, but sometimes I go through seasons of life where I just live/walk events out, obtaining teachable moments (lessons) to write about in the future to hopefully encourage and inspire myself and possibly others. That season is in motion now, mixed with a tad bit of procrastination and a busy schedule. Nevertheless, here I am today 😊

I want to share on a recent “walking it out” event that the Lord has granted me an opportunity to search deeper within and not only learn more about myself, but also heal from some mindsets of the past, to become a better me.

Regarding taking necessary steps in being open to being known by and knowing others… It has been YEARS since I considered getting to know people on a personal, deeper level, or even allowing them the opportunity to get to truly know me. This avoidance of connection was a result of past hurts. Some hurt caused by others, some caused by me, to myself and to others. I have cringed at the thought of getting close to people again due to the fear of rejection or making relational mistakes of either causing offense, or possibly having a day or two of behaving not so nicely. It was hard for me to believe that unconditional, easily forgiving relationships are still possible. I’ve found as I’ve stopped trying to be the perfect colleague, social member, daughter or friend, I have more freedom in being myself and showing authentic interest, love, and appreciation.

I think there is always the risk of being misunderstood or possibly hurting others, we’re human, but choosing not to be run by that fear allows so much freedom and authentic relationship building. This in turn limits the possibility of lashing out or crawling into a ball when mistakes are made. Not saying this will not happen, but the aim is to limit these extremes 😊.

When getting to know others and allowing them to know you, hopefully you’ll have the courage to genuinely own and seek forgiveness for mistakes as they come and identify ways in thinking or actions that will help these mistakes get far and in between. This mindset should also encourage you to easily forgive others as well.

For me, I no longer am seeking ultimate perfection from myself, in what I say, think, or do, but aiming to intentionally have kind, thoughtful, grace seasoned words and actions. As I do this, I strongly believe the reward of getting to know others and them getting to know me will outweigh the perceived risks.

Keep pressing on!

The swap out.

Sometimes I get so preoccupied with me, how I’m feeling, what I’m going through, that I forget that many of us are just trying to get through life, the best we know how. So, to ignite a better outlook, I began to think about the below swap outs…

In my loneliness, perhaps I take a moment to pray for others who may be feeling lonely, that they find a healthy outlet to show love, be love, and find love and acceptance.

In my pain and discomfort of feeling misunderstood, perhaps I remember to take the time to try and understand someone else, where they’re coming from, their perspective – just hearing people out (the whole matter) before jumping to conclusions based on how I perceive them and their tone. There may be the slight possibility that how we take things could be off a bit from how they are truly being given (spoken/said). It may help more to assume the best in people’s communication style, vs the worst – Definitely NOT saying people may never come from a rude or disrespectful place, but let’s try to not assume that route from the jump.

In my impatience of waiting on change, from the inside out of me, perhaps I take it easy on myself a bit and be thankful for the parts of me that are already strong and make an impact for the better, i.e., positive outlook, going hard for my family, resilience, aiming to always show love. Not saying the strong and impactful parts of our character don’t need constant building and strengthening, but the point is we have things we can celebrate about ourselves NOW vs until such and such happens…

In my anxiety about the future and trying to always piece things/paths together as I think they should be, perhaps I just truly let go and let God. This is an amazing statement to make, but for me at times, it’s easier to say than to walk out. I let go and let God for a moment, then I pick things back up thinking I’ll just give God a little help, knowing full well “my little help” is more so pacifying my need to have some type of control over the situation.

In my horrible habit of trying to maintain control over what little I believe I have control over, perhaps I surrender and take on the peace of God which surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:6-7 NKJV). Maybe that peace doesn’t have to be a one and done moment/experience. Maybe the peace effect can be a life-long experience, a constant place of rest and confidence that God is not only in control, but He loves me enough to have good thoughts and plans for me, regardless of the rugged path life sometimes takes (Jeremiah 29:11 NKJV).

I’m thankful for the possibility to swap out not so great habits and ways of handling things, for new ones. Pray for me as I press on, taking steps toward change for the better – I’ll do the same for you 😊

Fight or flight.

As of late I have been honestly evaluating my life and the relationships and mindsets I hold, inviting the Lord into the mix to help me see myself and behave in a way that is aligned with how He sees me. A specific area that I’ll share in this post is facing the possibility of rejection from others. It has been years since I intentionally took the risk of letting my guard down and been open to being known by others deeper than surface level smiles.

Often, when I get to the point where I let a little bit of my authentic self be shown to others, mainly in small groups, I go into fight or flight mode. Regularly choosing flight, I get the heck out of dodge either by extended absences in a group membership or swiftly and smoothly exiting the premises of a social event to save face from what I deemed as risky, self-revealing behavior. It’s not even that I am some rude jerk or have some off the wall humor or beliefs (let’s say not 100% of the time 😊), I just shy away from being known.

Don’t get me wrong, I am totally fine with flying solo, I prefer it, but when being alone becomes more of a defense mechanism that I run to, thus causing burned bridges of potential or sure relationships, then the solo thing becomes a problem…

In part I am sure this fear of rejection comes from past relationship hurts, or feeling embarrassed that I took a friendship more to heart than others involved, but despite the reasoning, I think I am just tired of running from the pain and embarrassment resulting in regrets.

Being honest with myself, I’ve done enough of the flight. Perhaps it’s time I stop running, trying to protect myself from possible rejection and hurt from others, and just stand in faith, being open to truly loving people, knowing that God is with me, and He’ll see me through any relational obstacle that may possibly arise.

Pressing on and growing in faith – I pray the same for you!

Know that you’re the “S” (stuff).

Rejection that can follow when a (potential) relationship doesn’t turn out as you’d hoped sucks, but do you know what sucks even more? When we allow the result of said “potential” relationship to cause us to forget who the heck we are, and what we are worth!

I get angry with myself when I allow rejection or an unsuccessful (potential) relationship to cause me to question my personality, my unwavering relationship standards, or my choice to just pass on it (the person or potential relationship).

I think being without a relationship for a bit can cause one to question whether they are being unrealistic or demanding, so after the initial shock and pain of letting someone go, I would strongly suggest taking a beat, and snapping out of the emotions that may ensue. If you have set deal breakers prior to getting involved with someone, they more than likely are you being real with yourself and honestly identifying what you can and cannot (or will and will not) tolerate.

Although it can get lonely out here as a single person, (😊) knowing that you’re the “S” allows the ability to shake embarrassing and hurtful situations off, and keep it moving, gracefully, without animosity, anger, guilt or shame toward yourself or others.

Let’s stop returning to vomit* (the people/relationships you know are no good for you, whether the party intentionally hurts you or not) and embrace the unknown. Know that you are the “S”, and that God’s got you…

Staying encouraged, and TRULY hoping the same for you!

*“As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishness.”

~Proverbs 26:11 New Living Translation

Heart vs mind (head) and trusting the Lord.

Heart vs mind is a tricky balancing act for me. In my younger years, I was for sure more of a heart over mind type of gal. Strong emotions, passion, and feelings guided many of the actions I took, especially when it came to personal relationships. I strongly believed that since I was an awesome person (my personal opinion here – You better know you are awesome for yourself – just saying 😊), everyone I met would just adore me, treat me well, and have my best interest in mind. Various life experiences and lessons shifted this way of thinking, more towards the all-mind (using your head/logic only) end of the spectrum.

For me, the all-mind (head) thinking ran the risk of me becoming jaded, bitter, hard, and closed off from the world and others. In my specific case, it wasn’t that I was hard, angry and unfriendly, quite the opposite, as I love being friendly. It’s something everyone has an equal ability to do, just at different levels and expressive routes. My thing was more of I just didn’t choose to let anyone in – shallow relationships were just fine – you know, the casual greetings, sincere well wishes, but getting to know me – know me, was out of the question. I didn’t want to get hurt or disappoint myself by being so carefree and unguarded, that I unintentionally let the wrong person/people in.

The question then became, “how do you balance using both heart and mind (when it comes to relationships)?”. One word rings out loud and clear to me here, and that is WISDOM!

I pray that I continue to invite the Lord into the mix, and utilize His kind of wisdom as I am granted opportunities to try again at being willing to open up and get to know people, as well as allowing them to know me.

Y’ all pray for me as I step back out in faith on this.

Staying encouraged, hoping the same for you!

*Feel free to refer to “Don’t start none, won’t be none” for a share on using wisdom when contemplating starting something up.

Don’t start none, won’t be none.

I am thankful for the lessons learned from many of my life experiences, thus far – believing the Lord for even more, as I continue to press on 🙂

Due to being in the midst of summer nights, one lesson that comes to mind is that from times I became entangled with “like” interests, at an inopportune time (out of season).

Occasionally I miss the entertainment of a “like” interest – the giggles, smiles, and cool conversations. Unfortunately, what I found, at least during “focused seasons” which I strongly believe I am in now, is the situation with a “like” interest becomes too overwhelming. After a bit, I would get fully engulfed in attraction and time-consuming behavior that ended up pulling me away from the things that truly should have been a priority at the time. Plainly put, I became distracted.

The “harmless” smiles and giggles eventually turned into frustration and annoyance – Not necessarily because of the other person, but more so because a relationship got started before its time. In some instances, nothing should have gotten started in the first place, but that’s a whole other post!

All in all, I now see, pertaining to out of season romantic relationships and all that come with them, if I don’t start none, won’t be none. So again, lesson learned…

Staying focused and encouraged, sincerely hoping the same for you all!